When I think of freedom.... my yoga lens ... sovereign lens ... responds that freedom is in the mind .... my big girl learning pants perspective rarely lets my intuitive mind stop tat first feeling .... instead its rouses a feeling of curiosity inside me as I look at the people, places, events and living things around me. I'm watching protests and feeling people's anger, resentment, frustration .... DISEMPOWERMENT. A couple years ago, as a collective, we all experienced a change that was out of our control. We been asked to respond, modify and decide to change. It's interesting how individuals, our systems, our economy, our countries and our collective as whole respond; for our responses have all been all different.
The freedom protest has caused me to reflect and search for some clarity because as it has built my energy has pushed farther and farther away from it. Why do I not feel a sense of belonging in that protest, in those issues and yet I don't feel disempowered. Am I not feeling disempowered because Im numbing or avoiding the issue, sticking my head in the sand? Am I convincing myself of something thats not true? Am I avoiding feeling something? lol ... anytime I asked this I put my big girl pants on and I question. I seek opinions and information that I feel uncomfortable with. I move my body and I listen to mind, and let the feeling rise. I scan for fear ... what am I afraid of here?????
I have felt anger, frustration and resentment at systems and people before. I have worked in education, been exposed to family law and the criminal justice system in the most intimate sense, I've participated and grieved through recovery programs, and relationships. Ive had feeling of disempowerment, I've lost focus, my confidence, I've allowed others opinions more power and sometimes to replace my own ...
What are the protestors asking for? Are they asking the government for something ... to do or say something that will magically bring their freedom back? What freedom did they lose and what is it that they want. What is it that each individual who identifies with that movement wants? Betcha the answer is different for each and every person there! So is it the feeling of disempowerment that connects those people and brings the sense of belonging? Is it the same dynamic that brought protestors together in the US when Trump and Biden were transitioning power. I'm looking beyond behaviour and choices when I ask this, expanding my lens to try and see the hearts of the people. I'm looking way beyond the concrete that we can all see and touch and experience, the human world, to explore the feeling I get in my heart and ask me what that feeling is here to teach. What is my inner wild child trying to say about my feelings of power and how I want to show up in the world. Who I am. Who I have become and Who I show to up to be everyday.
I asked the government for things all the time? More funding for students with needs, more funding for classrooms, more funding for Social and Emotional learning, more programming and mentorship and support for all who trying to be, trying become and those building daily habit, routine and practices to embrace that change in their everyday lives. I also asked the government for personal things. My safety. my boys safety, well being, support for family and relationships, compassion, consequence, respect for boundaries and freedom and space to heal and become. When I didn't get what I wanted from the government and it didn't look at all like what I felt was best for me I felt like disempowered. I felt grief, anger, being let down and unsupported, disconnected from the systems that our taxes create and maintain ... shock, disbelief and uncertainty in how to proceed.
I looked to spirituality, the ethereal, I looked to what I knew had worked before to create feelings of empowerment, vitality and joy. That sense of connection grew and came back, it strengthen. It helped me lean in to those feelings of anger, resentment and disempowerment. What I didn't realize at the time was that leaning in was the honesty I needed with myself to feel empowered again. The button on my big girl pants, those ones that held all those feelings in for the longest time, finally popped and my inner wild child felt safe in those feelings.
(We talk so much about the purity of childhood but we forget that the purity is looking for guidance and protection to learn how to be human and how to trust and believe in the world around them. It's also a time where purity meets survival and, in those moments, all we all learn to survive in different ways.)
I looked for so long, unsuccessfully, to get permission for my feelings in order to understand what they meant. When the button pooped on my big girl pants I stopped looking for permission and allowed myself to name feelings, to ask why i was feeling that, to admit and disappointment, loss and failure when things hadn't worked out the way I wanted, expected or needed them to at the time. My feelings were able to expand and I was able to say and determine what I wanted and that was a feeling of joy and vitality, a feeling of empowerment, impact and capacity to bring into the world a life that I wanted to live. The lightness in this expansion is freedom. Freedom is a feeling. one feeling of many that we all have and move through our bodies, hold or release from our thoughts and makes space to allow our hearts and minds to connect to what is, who we are and what we are seeking to create.
I know I need to stand up, I know I need to speak, I know there's challenge but I also know there's fluidity and flexibility. Two years ago I lost my job, my kids were out of school and the three of us were stuck in the house together. I stopped writing here because my head got full and I was being tested and asked to get clear and get confident on what is essential, what is important, what is the design of a life that brings me joy. Ive needed space and Ive needed to silence a few voices to hear some others. I've lost confidence, I've taken on things that scare me and through it I've all been able to feel this pulse of worthiness and love, vitality and wellness. I never lost lost confidence with that belief or that trust that my design is loving and worthy and connected to a well being greater than any government, individual, system, country, culture or worldly thing I could see, taste, touch or experience. That confidence has given way to any fight or chase any protest. I've been able to see and affect change inside these systems but more importantly show up empowered and generous and be more and more able to connect authentically to individuals, feelings and things in an intentional and honest way. My power is within me and my freedom is a feeling I prioritize and have habits and practices and connections that allow this feeling to expand within and wash over everything. I have had to make some choices, I have had to let some things go, I have to hear to hear the word no and Ive had to tell myself no too. It's this space that has brought opportunities, feelings and connection to create my life from the wild child inside supported and dressed up by her big girl pants.
I'm not belittling or denying the pandemic, the protests, the state of the world or implying this has been an easy time. I understand, eyes wide open, our earth has called out for sustainability, our world has called out for inclusive, financially sustainable supportive systems and we have been asked to come into balance with the state of all living things, to examine to decide whats essential and we have been given the opportunity to bring our body, mind and hearts into balance, our relationships, and our lifestyle. There's freedom in choice. Opportunity is choice and choice brings consequence good and bad. Sometimes we need to step back and get ourselves out of the way to see differently, to understand and to appreciate we are part of a collective people, a collective humanity and living breathing, feeling infinite whole.
To every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.
We are all looking for a place to belong in the present moment because these are uncertain times. Maybe our sense of belonging is either tied to a want to expand and appreciate, to intention, to build or to grieve for the loss of a past. Both are important in growth and both can exist in the same society because they allow us to ask ourselves ... What am I fighting for? What is important to me?
