All kinds of trust ....

 Both Dr Marissa King and Simon Sinek differentiate between performance and trust in their analysis of both social networks and human relationships... 

I look at my own lens on the world and significant relationships and I see it differently ... When disagreements or problems I respond with loving and acceptance. I step to back to understand, learn, forgive and accept myself or the other person where they are at ... grow from there ... 

Then the coin dropped a bit deeper ... if I'm responding that way because I or the other person has not felt seen, heard or understood I am responding to trust. If I respond to a behaviour then I tend to get frustrated, upset or even down on my myself because I'm unhappy with someone or my own performance of a task...

When someone gets angry with me I can listen to hear if its trust or performance .... like your partner ... if they are always getting angry with what you are not doing or who you are they are unhappy with your performance either of a task or the role they expect you to play in their lives .... if they need you to perform in a certain way do they really trust you? With trust couldn't they see who you are and be curious, try or want to understand your behaviour?????

But maybe trust isn't just one simple construct ... maybe there's all kids of trust ... general trust in the world, trust in self and trust in others ... if you don't trust the world to be a safe and supportive place that can nourish you throughout your lifetime can you really form deep trust with someone else?????????? Can you really expect someone to perform a certain task or accept a consequence to an action if they don't have a general trust in the world???? of course they'll be defensive and reactive and aggressive... could they be in a heightened state of arousal tiring to protect themselves from the world or alter it to fix where its worng/broken? If you have general trust in the word I expect you can form trust in another person ... trust in another person looks like taking risks, being honest and most important being open and vulnerable to being truly seen. If you cant trust another person, can you trust a group or organization, a network of any kind??????

I realized deep down I knew my last boyfriend and never consequenced him for behaviour because I felt deep down his lack of general trust in the world. I always responded with compassion because I think i knew the consequence was a waste of time until I had his trust. The consequence would only push him away and I wanted him in my life.

I look at my own anxious attachment and think its left over confusion from growing up being expected to perform, independet, strong and capable ... I was judged and given or experienced a feeling as a consequence for a lack of performance whether the action I was performing was an attempt to build trust or an attempt to develop a certain skill behaviour or an expectation to produce something for someone or something ... person, standard, school, cultural expectation. 

What about emotional tasks like leaning on someone .... asking for something .... giving a part of yourself ... taking a risk and biggy biggy biggy being vulnerable??????? Do we respond to an emotional task as trust building or performance based ....