up front or behind the scenes - outside in or inside out

My teenage self and some friends were driving with the Proclaimer's cranked on the radio. We sang out loud, windows down, 🎵I would walk 500 hundred miles🎵, as we drove alongside a canoe being portaged through the city streets. We were a group of lifeguards who had organized a fundraiser for a water-safety program we developed. In that moment, laughing, my friend turns to me and says:

"You really don't want the spotlight, do you? You're a behind the scenes person." 

Having felt painfully shy and timid my whole life I felt pretty confident she was right. I saw the spotlight as a challenge and felt some shame on a deeper level because, honestly, I really was uncomfortable in the spotlight. Even some group conversations had felt like the spotlight for me as a child. I felt embarrassed and incapable because I found it overwhelming and unnatural. My kid self said, "I should be able to do it because a lot of people do it and it doesn't appear to be difficult for them". 

That's the honest truth, I liked behind the scenes and doing things, I did not like the spotlight and yes sometimes the truth hurts. It can take years to understand why it hurts. But only then, can I begin to accept what I needed to do to overcome the hurt and find the deeper truth buried beneath it.

So ask me now, do I still dislike the spotlight and putting myself out there in front of people? 

I'm okay putting myself out there in front of people; my understanding of the spotlight has changed! Turns out it's not actually being in the spotlight that causes me discomfort, it's having to stand there, still, and talk for long periods of time!!!!  

Behind the scenes isn't behind at all. It's actually a huge part of the scene and is totally necessary for the scene to come together. The behind the scenes work directs the spotlight and when a person stands in it, they shine!!!!!!

It's seems so clear now but there was a whole lot of layers that needed to be peeled back, before I understood that. Whether you picture a snake shedding its skin as it grows or a "bloomin" onion at that Aussie steakhouse opening up in the deep fryer or even shucking a cob of corn to boil, roll in butter and sprinkle with salt on an August afternoon, the process doesn't change. Regardless of what you look like, where we come from or what we do, we are all able to peel back the layers and revel in discovering the truths of who we are.

We always ask kids what they want to be when they grow up. I remember the first time that question was posed to me. I did not have had the guts to tell you back then; I could only picture it in my mind as I clammed up .... Karen Kain, Bess Motta and Barbara Frum all rolled into one! 

... yup, goofy and quite unique... a ballerina, aerobic instructing, journalist ... it didn't translate to a single job and their was no single role model to guide my growing up but it did let me work behind the scenes and be me .... a gentle soul, sensitive, giving, feeling a great energy and joy in moving, doing, being curios and reflective and fascinated by people, relationships and the sheer power of words. 

When I put myself in the spotlight, focussing light, in the dark, to shine on what was important, who I am, and what brought me joy and fulfillment, I saw a preference to do, experience and feel. I find my words through feelings and vitality, the bubble, the enthusiasm moves those words up and out. It's through joy that I feel that motivation and desire to share. In those moments, I can BE and ease and flow rush in and I am able to freely express myself! 

Deep down I think it is the behind the scenes that lets me stand in my spotlight and connect, feel close to others and better understand the world and people around me. It wasn't the truth that hurt me but my ability to accept the truth in myself. When I focused on doing the behind the scenes work that I loved, I was able to be honest with myself about the challenges and possibilities that living my truth posed?

Do we need to re-conceptualize truth then? 

We question to find an answer. Usually, once we find the an answer we accept it as truth. A certain feeling of relief washes over us because we know. Is that knowing understanding? Is our answer the only one? Do we make that "truth" in our minds?

If we started from the inside out instead of outside in and questioned to be curious, to explore and feel for possibilities, would we find the truth ...... 

What if we questioned ourselves, instead, to think more deeply, to explore, consider more broadly and be more compassionate, to understand choice and to feel empowered to choose, to not need or want judge ourselves or others motivation?

What if we directed questions toward an idea instead of a thing or an outcome? The answer might not be as comfortable and there might be real risk in acting on this uncomfortable answer. Despite risk possibilities would be on the other side of this action and not just a single result that we could deem right or wrong. 

The lens of possibility is much wider, more loving, more understanding, more compassionate, more connected to the people, places and things that bring meaning and happiness than the restricted lens of "is". 

Imagine the spotlight that could shine and how much more it could include if our focus was possibility and understanding not knowing. We wouldn't see the stage because it would be all about the light. As an audience we could see beyond the scene and appreciate the DOING that shows who we are.    

So when I ask my self about being honest or telling the truth, I understand honesty is the relationship I have with myself and how I relate to my feelings. The curiosity I use when my gut  tells me stop, question and reflect because something doesn't feel right. And after exploring this, being honest with myself, I can feel my truth and I can be present with others. That presence is what integrity feels like to me. That moment is where I feel whole and integrated and the ease and flow to communicate with others is effortless and fun. 

Imagine if we all live beyond the scene and inside out, moment to moment to moment. Imagine the integrity we would feel and the agreements we could make, ones we really could keep, NO MATTER WHAT, creating plans and choosing actions in our outside worlds aligned with the truth of who we all are on the inside - peaceful, loving, honest souls connected to the greatest good and highest power.