Have you ever felt such pain, overwhelm and confusion in a moment, that you call out to the universe, in tears, pleading to please take the pain away, to clarify the confusion and show you what's underneath the feeling, why you're feeling it and what that feeling is asking you do?
Seventeen years ago, that was me, in a moment, completely stuck at an impasse with one of my favourite people, my best, my closest friend, my confidente, and most biggest, best supporter ever! We had talked for hours ... about everything and anything, we'd travelled the world, we'd navigated big decisions together, our day to day life was a combination of adventures, some were our own; some we shared, but there was space and joy and support for them to all exist at the same time. So this is where my confusion came from ... why couldn't we figure this one out? Why was this the thing that kept each of us from taking this next step forward together.
I knew I needed roots and community to support the growth we wanted to take on ... marriage, kids, hopes, dreams, building a life we love together. I didn't feel a consistent, reliable community of people around me where we were living, but I did feel all that with him ...
I surrendered to the confusion and followed my gut instinct to try and figure this out before moving forward and committing fully to another human being, to look inside myself as closely as I could until I could see what I needed to see, the answers, the clarity, the understanding ... until I could come to peace inside myself. I had to accept that this timeline for understanding was longer and more circuitous than the one I wanted ... man it was a fight to acceptance, it was fricken tough ... because I really did want my answer right away ... I wanted to know how to move forward together ... and I didn't want to let anyone down ... I didn't want to lose his love.
Last week, seventeen years later, the universe answered back. That friend ... the one of my absolute favourites and best friends in the whole world ... my former confidente, and biggest supporter, adventure sharer and I caught up. We spent a couple hours on the phone like it was yesterday. Separated for years, by oceans and our own family's, jobs, friendships taking the focus in our individual worlds throughout that time. Crazy, cool and a little unbelievable ... but our connection, honesty and trust were still completely intact. I hadn't lost his love nor my love for him and I hung up knowing its pure because our ability to cooperate, communicate, share laughter, feelings, comfortable silences and ultimately contribute to the other ... had remained untouched.
We could contribute and support each other's choices and families and relationships and offer our insight, advice and humour. The care and connection aligned after all this time even when we had to talk nitty gritty honesty and admit to some circumstances that were posing challenges to our relationships in our individual now lives. Our timeline is long and circuitous and our lives look different that we what we wanted them to look like seventeen years ago but who we could be with each other and to each other was the same.
It's a tricky one, I'll be honest because I could attach to a feeling of sadness because despite the depth and strength of our love for the other at that moment in time, seventeen years ago we didn't figure out how to make it work and we moved on from building a life together to build separate lives for ourselves. We had lost a future together.
But instead,
I attached to this moment, grateful for what is.
He is at a similar impasse now only this time a committed marriage and providing for a family, children, hopes and dreams which make the decision more complicated, they make the ultimatum that much bigger for him because he's got much more to lose ... real people and things. Seventeen years ago with me, it was hopes and dreams at stake. Because of my own confusion and pain at the time, the frustration, and disappointment, I wasn't able to appreciate or recognize what he might be going through. This time, I am better able to understand! I can also see myself years ago in his wife's requests. I have a different perspective on the situation. I am able to understand and see next steps, I can understand what was underneath that feeling and what the situation was asking me to do and although I didn't understand it at the time, my decision and actions showed that I thrive in community when I root myself in trust and cooperation. With trust I can see choices and what is important. I know now why I made that choice. With all the twists and turns in my life over the past seventeen years I have so much more information about myself and why I was feeling the feeling I was, at the time
Never under estimate the twists and turns, the years and the experience, growing up has brought me understanding and clarity of my myself as well as a broader awareness of who I am, my challenges, my strengths, my joy and my contribution. Growing up has brought me closer to my childhood self and joy. The community and confidence I was looking for seventeen years ago in Hong Kong has not come from a place but instead has come from finding out who I am and believing in me and learning what I need to thrive and trusting in that ... no matter what. The universe does answer back and is always there. Sometimes it's our feelings and expectations that get in the way of hearing the response. I see now, my journey is as much about learning to speak up, as it is to slow down and trust and learn how to listen more deeply.
I dedicate this piece to another dear friend whose live became a legacy a year ago today. Eddie Ing although your life has become a legacy you are more alive than ever. I appreciate "the moment" now and how life is one moment after the next. How feelings and perspectives in one moment can change so drastically in the next. How in the moment that breadth and pace of our personal timeline can't be felt in some moments and in others moments it can.
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