in any given moment we have no idea just how it may change our future ...

Have you ever felt such pain, overwhelm and confusion in a moment, that you call out to the universe, in tears, pleading to please take the pain away, to clarify the confusion and show you what's underneath the feeling, why you're feeling it and what that feeling is asking you do?

Seventeen years ago, that was me, in a moment, completely stuck at an impasse with one of my favourite people, my best, my closest friend, my confidente, and most biggest, best supporter ever! We had talked for hours ... about everything and anything, we'd travelled the world, we'd navigated big decisions together, our day to day life was a combination of adventures, some were our own; some we shared, but there was space and joy and support for them to all exist at the same time. So this is where my confusion came from ... why couldn't we figure this one out? Why was this the thing that kept each of us from taking this next step forward together. 

I knew I needed roots and community to support the growth we wanted to take on ... marriage, kids, hopes, dreams, building a life we love together. I didn't feel a consistent, reliable community of people around me where we were living, but I did feel all that with him ... 

I surrendered to the confusion and followed my gut instinct to try and figure this out before moving forward and committing fully to another human being, to look inside myself as closely as I could until I could see what I needed to see, the answers, the clarity, the understanding ... until I could come to peace inside myself. I had to accept that this timeline for understanding was longer and more circuitous than the one I wanted ... man it was a fight to acceptance, it was fricken tough ... because I really did want my answer right away ... I wanted to know how to move forward together ... and I didn't want to let anyone down ... I didn't want to lose his love.

Last week, seventeen years later, the universe answered back. That friend ... the one of my absolute favourites and best friends in the whole world ...  my former confidente, and biggest supporter, adventure sharer and I caught up.  We spent a couple hours on the phone like it was yesterday. Separated for years, by oceans and our own family's, jobs, friendships taking the focus in our individual worlds throughout that time.  Crazy, cool and a little unbelievable ... but our connection, honesty and trust were still completely intact. I hadn't lost his love nor my love for him and I hung up knowing its pure because our ability to cooperate, communicate, share laughter, feelings, comfortable silences and ultimately contribute to the other ... had remained untouched. 

We could contribute and support each other's choices and families and relationships and offer our insight, advice and humour. The care and connection aligned after all this time even when we had to talk nitty gritty honesty and admit to some circumstances that were posing challenges to our relationships in our individual now lives. Our timeline is long and circuitous and our lives look different that we what we wanted them to look like seventeen years ago but who we could be with each other and to each other was the same.

It's a tricky one, I'll be honest because I could attach to a feeling of sadness because despite the depth and strength of our love for the other at that moment in time, seventeen years ago we didn't figure out how to make it work and we moved on from building a life together to build separate lives for ourselves. We had lost a future together. 

But instead,  

I attached to this moment, grateful for what is. 

He is at a similar impasse now only this time a committed marriage and providing for a family, children, hopes and dreams which make the decision more complicated, they make the ultimatum that much bigger for him because he's got much more to lose ... real people and things. Seventeen years ago with me, it was hopes and dreams at stake. Because of my own confusion and pain at the time, the frustration, and disappointment, I wasn't able to appreciate or recognize what he might be going through. This time, I am better able to understand! I can also see myself years ago in his wife's requests. I have a different perspective on the situation. I am able to understand and see next steps, I can understand what was underneath that feeling and what the situation was asking me to do and although I didn't understand it at the time, my decision and actions showed that I thrive in community when I root myself in trust and cooperation. With trust I can see choices and what is important. I know now why I made that choice. With all the twists and turns in my life over the past seventeen years I have so much more information about myself and why I was feeling the feeling I was, at the time 

Never under estimate the twists and turns, the years and the experience, growing up has brought me understanding and clarity of my myself as well as a broader awareness of who I am, my challenges, my strengths, my joy and my contribution. Growing up has brought me closer to my childhood self and joy. The community and confidence I was looking for seventeen years ago in Hong Kong has not come from a place but instead has come from finding out who I am and believing in me and learning what I need to thrive and trusting in that ... no matter what. The universe does answer back and is always there. Sometimes it's our feelings and expectations that get in the way of hearing the response. I see now, my journey is as much about learning to speak up, as it is to slow down and trust and learn how to listen more deeply.

I dedicate this piece to another dear friend whose live became a legacy a year ago today. Eddie Ing although your life has become a legacy you are more alive than ever. I appreciate "the moment" now and how life is one moment after the next. How feelings and perspectives in one moment can change so drastically in the next. How in the moment that breadth and pace of our personal timeline can't be felt in some moments and in others moments it can.

up front or behind the scenes - outside in or inside out

My teenage self and some friends were driving with the Proclaimer's cranked on the radio. We sang out loud, windows down, 🎵I would walk 500 hundred miles🎵, as we drove alongside a canoe being portaged through the city streets. We were a group of lifeguards who had organized a fundraiser for a water-safety program we developed. In that moment, laughing, my friend turns to me and says:

"You really don't want the spotlight, do you? You're a behind the scenes person." 

Having felt painfully shy and timid my whole life I felt pretty confident she was right. I saw the spotlight as a challenge and felt some shame on a deeper level because, honestly, I really was uncomfortable in the spotlight. Even some group conversations had felt like the spotlight for me as a child. I felt embarrassed and incapable because I found it overwhelming and unnatural. My kid self said, "I should be able to do it because a lot of people do it and it doesn't appear to be difficult for them". 

That's the honest truth, I liked behind the scenes and doing things, I did not like the spotlight and yes sometimes the truth hurts. It can take years to understand why it hurts. But only then, can I begin to accept what I needed to do to overcome the hurt and find the deeper truth buried beneath it.

So ask me now, do I still dislike the spotlight and putting myself out there in front of people? 

I'm okay putting myself out there in front of people; my understanding of the spotlight has changed! Turns out it's not actually being in the spotlight that causes me discomfort, it's having to stand there, still, and talk for long periods of time!!!!  

Behind the scenes isn't behind at all. It's actually a huge part of the scene and is totally necessary for the scene to come together. The behind the scenes work directs the spotlight and when a person stands in it, they shine!!!!!!

It's seems so clear now but there was a whole lot of layers that needed to be peeled back, before I understood that. Whether you picture a snake shedding its skin as it grows or a "bloomin" onion at that Aussie steakhouse opening up in the deep fryer or even shucking a cob of corn to boil, roll in butter and sprinkle with salt on an August afternoon, the process doesn't change. Regardless of what you look like, where we come from or what we do, we are all able to peel back the layers and revel in discovering the truths of who we are.

We always ask kids what they want to be when they grow up. I remember the first time that question was posed to me. I did not have had the guts to tell you back then; I could only picture it in my mind as I clammed up .... Karen Kain, Bess Motta and Barbara Frum all rolled into one! 

... yup, goofy and quite unique... a ballerina, aerobic instructing, journalist ... it didn't translate to a single job and their was no single role model to guide my growing up but it did let me work behind the scenes and be me .... a gentle soul, sensitive, giving, feeling a great energy and joy in moving, doing, being curios and reflective and fascinated by people, relationships and the sheer power of words. 

When I put myself in the spotlight, focussing light, in the dark, to shine on what was important, who I am, and what brought me joy and fulfillment, I saw a preference to do, experience and feel. I find my words through feelings and vitality, the bubble, the enthusiasm moves those words up and out. It's through joy that I feel that motivation and desire to share. In those moments, I can BE and ease and flow rush in and I am able to freely express myself! 

Deep down I think it is the behind the scenes that lets me stand in my spotlight and connect, feel close to others and better understand the world and people around me. It wasn't the truth that hurt me but my ability to accept the truth in myself. When I focused on doing the behind the scenes work that I loved, I was able to be honest with myself about the challenges and possibilities that living my truth posed?

Do we need to re-conceptualize truth then? 

We question to find an answer. Usually, once we find the an answer we accept it as truth. A certain feeling of relief washes over us because we know. Is that knowing understanding? Is our answer the only one? Do we make that "truth" in our minds?

If we started from the inside out instead of outside in and questioned to be curious, to explore and feel for possibilities, would we find the truth ...... 

What if we questioned ourselves, instead, to think more deeply, to explore, consider more broadly and be more compassionate, to understand choice and to feel empowered to choose, to not need or want judge ourselves or others motivation?

What if we directed questions toward an idea instead of a thing or an outcome? The answer might not be as comfortable and there might be real risk in acting on this uncomfortable answer. Despite risk possibilities would be on the other side of this action and not just a single result that we could deem right or wrong. 

The lens of possibility is much wider, more loving, more understanding, more compassionate, more connected to the people, places and things that bring meaning and happiness than the restricted lens of "is". 

Imagine the spotlight that could shine and how much more it could include if our focus was possibility and understanding not knowing. We wouldn't see the stage because it would be all about the light. As an audience we could see beyond the scene and appreciate the DOING that shows who we are.    

So when I ask my self about being honest or telling the truth, I understand honesty is the relationship I have with myself and how I relate to my feelings. The curiosity I use when my gut  tells me stop, question and reflect because something doesn't feel right. And after exploring this, being honest with myself, I can feel my truth and I can be present with others. That presence is what integrity feels like to me. That moment is where I feel whole and integrated and the ease and flow to communicate with others is effortless and fun. 

Imagine if we all live beyond the scene and inside out, moment to moment to moment. Imagine the integrity we would feel and the agreements we could make, ones we really could keep, NO MATTER WHAT, creating plans and choosing actions in our outside worlds aligned with the truth of who we all are on the inside - peaceful, loving, honest souls connected to the greatest good and highest power.